OPINION: Column: Trump lies (and Sharpies) about Hurricane Dorian, Smollett hoax gets weirder: The Week in Review

Sep. 6--As another news-rich week winds down, I break out my handy Sharpie and, as always, mark up the things that have me asking: "What the (BLEEP) just happened?"

Hurricane Dorian, 'Sharpiegate' and Trump's love of stupid lies

President Donald Trump was sharply criticized this week for first incorrectly tweeting that Alabama might get hit by Hurricane Dorian, then stubbornly refusing to admit he was wrong and even doctoring a weather forecast chart to make it look like he was right.

This was in keeping with America's new slogan: "If you think that's the dumbest thing you've ever heard, just wait a couple minutes!"

I'll step aside a moment and allow the president to respond to this insipid scandal:

"President Donald Trump here. I want everyone to know that the Fake News media has been totally out of control this week, trying to say I'm not a meteorologist or an expert at looking at big, beautiful hurricane charts.

"The truth is, I love meteors, and I actually got an A+ in my meteor class at Wharton -- it's a true story, ask anyone -- and nobody studies hurricane charts as goodly as I do.

"As any person who loves this country could see from the big black Sharpie line that I definitely did not have Eric add to that hurricane chart, it was clear Dorian was going to hit Alabama. Bigly. Probably wipe the whole place out.

"So it's good I warned everyone. No other president has ever warned Alabama about an incoming hurricane like I have. Best warning ever, many are saying. And the fact that the hurricane didn't hit was also thanks to me. I made a deal with it, and nobody makes deals like I do.

"So remember, nothing you see or hear is real unless it comes from me. Please donate to my reelection campaign and book a room at Trump property. God bless me and my many beautiful buildings."

Jussie Smollett blames Chicago police for investigating his hoax

Having already dodged significant legal responsibility for concocting a phony hate crime, "Empire" actor Jussie Smollett now wants to avoid financial responsibility for the police investigation that followed.

His lawyers put forth an argument that effectively says: "Hey, just because our client made up a hate crime doesn't mean you coppers had to investigate it so thoroughly!"

The lawyers argue that Smollett shouldn't be responsible for the $130,000 it cost the Chicago Police Department to investigate the case, writing: "The filing of a police report, in and of itself, does not necessitate a sprawling investigation nor does it, as a practical matter, usually result in an investigation as extensive as the one CPD chose to undertake in this case."

That might be true if Smollett had prefaced his police report with something along the lines of: "FYI, everything I'm about to tell you is made up. I'm just trying to get publicity in the hope it helps my career."

Absent such a statement, it seems the police did what police are supposed to do when presented with allegations of a hate crime: investigate the allegations.

Venti Starbucks set to open on Michigan Avenue

Because apparently being ubiquitous just isn't good enough for some people, Starbucks has announced an opening date for its brand-amplifying, four-story, 43,000-square-foot coffee castle on Michigan Avenue.

The Starbucks Reserve Roastery Chicago will be open for bean buying Nov. 15, featuring, I assume, demonstrations that show the public how the company burns all its beans and an interactive display that reveals how much money you have to give Starbucks before you get diabetes.

The company describes its mega-sized facilities -- Chicago's will be only the sixth in the world -- as "theatrical, experiential shrines to coffee passion." That means that when the barista puts the wrong name on your order (which is also wrong), it will be done with true artisanal flair.

Children of U.S. service members to pay for Trump's dumb wall

If you believed President Trump when he promised Mexico would pay for his border wall, have I got news for you! (The news is that you're super gullible and should feel embarrassed.)

This week the Pentagon revealed more than 100 military construction projects that will be sacrificed so $3.6 billion can be redirected to build 175 miles of wildly ineffective border fencing.

Nine of the scrapped projects involve renovating or replacing schools for the children of U.S. service members. But don't worry. Those children will feel much safer knowing that an extra 9% of the border is quasi-protected!

Mmmmmmm ... nothing goes down smoother than plastic

If you're anything like me, you hate water than isn't enriched with tiny bits of plastic.

That's why I was thrilled to learn that, thanks to nearly 22 million pounds of plastic debris finding its way into the Great Lakes each year, microplastics are now showing up in both fish and drinking water coming from Lake Michigan.

Mmmmm. Goes down not smooth.

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As my colleague Tony Briscoe reported: "Perhaps the most worrisome aspect is that the impact of microplastics on human health remains unclear. Plastics are known to attract industrial contaminants already in the water, like PCBs, while expelling their own chemical additives intended to make them durable, including flame retardants."

Nothing quenches the thirst quite like uncertain health outcomes.

I'm sure this is all going to work out just fine. Bottoms up!

rhuppke@chicagotribune.com

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