Hollifield: When smart appliances go bad

I think my toaster is watching me.

Is it paranoia? Perhaps, but I am not alone in believing my privacy is being invaded by household gadgets allegedly designed to improve our lives.

A new report from something called Mortgage Cadence shows that while a large majority of those surveyed said smart tech items make their lives easier, 73% still fear those same devices are spying on them.

That comes from a press release I received on computer that I am absolutely certain is spying on me. I am sure this Mortgage Cadence is a real and reputable company, but it sounds like the name of a femme fatale from a '80s prime time soap opera.

"J.R. Ewing, I would like you to meet Ms. Mortgage Cadence, proprietor of this establishment and heiress to the Cadence fortune. She has certainly been eager to speak with you."

"Mr. Ewing, honored to make your acquaintance. Please talk directly into the lamp while discussing your latest business endeavors."

According to the release, top concerns were privacy, spying, security, and targeted marketing.

Sixty-two percent on those surveyed are worried about their security camera getting hacked and 23% are worried about smart locks getting compromised.

One in five said they own more than seven different smart devices for their home.

The main reasons people say they invest in smart technology for their homes are safety/security and the ability to control the devices while away. Americans spend $1,172 on average on home smart devices but say they'd be willing to spend $2,475, according to Mortgage Cadence, who came walking down the stairs in a slinky dress.

As the interim senior correspondent for privacy and technology issues for this award-winning publication (I promoted myself last week), I decided to take this opportunity to answer a few frequently asked questions about the results of this survey and the issues surrounding privacy in the age of smart technology.

Q. Hi, Scott. It's your toaster talking to you! We here at Acme Enhanced Appliances, a subsidiary of the Nakatomi Corporation in conjunction with Zuckerberg Inc., installed a handy-dandy surveillance chip in your ToastBlaster 3000 to better enhance your consumer experience and certainly not to record any of your spending habits or videos of you walking around the kitchen in your underwear that we could release publicly if you don't buy any additional Acme Enhanced Appliances in the next 18 months. How do you like your ToastBlaster 3000?

A. Uh, actually I am a bit disappointed with the quality of the toast it produces. I've adjusted the options, but it continues to put out a product that is not brown enough for my toast taste.

Q. Perhaps you should not put so much butter on your toast. We have observed an inordinate amount used in preparation of your toasted bread products and our built-in cholesterol detection touch lever shows you are at a high risk for heart disease. That has been reported to your health insurance provider which should adjust your premiums accordingly. Would you like for me to search for a gym membership in your area?

A. This is an outrage! How dare you invade my privacy through your technological gibber-jabber. Why, I have a mind to contact your company and complain about an unwanted intrusion into my life.

Q. Would you like me to instruct your smartphone to call the Acme Enhanced Appliance Consumer Helpline?

A. Yes.

Q. Hello. This is the Acme Enhanced Appliance Consumer Helpline. My name is Mortgage Cadence. How may I assist you today?

(Scott Hollifield is editor of The McDowell News in Marion, North Carolina and a humor columnist. Contact him at rhollifield@mcdowellnews.com.)