Chicago Tribune Rex Huppke column

June 26--Many Americans feel nervous about health care, fearful a Republican bill that could be voted on in the Senate as early as this week might make life worse for those who selfishly want to remain alive.

(NOTE: Nervousness and any associated conditions are NOT covered under the new Republican health care plan. There is, however, a significant rate reduction for those who cease to remain alive.)

The health care bill in question is a long-awaited attempt to repeal Obamacare, a law that, for some reason, scared Republicans and made them want to cross to the other side of the street. GOP lawmakers believe they can now replace that law with something whiter. Excuse me, I meant "lighter." Something lighter.

The new bill certainly is lighter, at least in terms of the total number of humans it provides with health care. The projections thus far are that millions of Americans would lose coverage they obtained under Obamacare, Medicaid would be cut significantly and, best of all, rich people like the president of the United States would get a tax cut!

It's the kind of "lose-lose-win" scenario that top earners in America embrace while telling everyone else that losing builds character. After all, what good is lifting yourself up by your bootstraps if you can't also lower yourself down into an early grave?

The first version of the bill came out of the House of Representatives and is called the American Health Care Act. The Senate version is called the Better Care Reconciliation Act of 2017. The final bill will presumably be called the Americans Better Reconcile Themselves to Not Having Health Care Act of 2017.

Whatever the name, the response to these bills has been overwhelmingly positive, as long as you don't believe in math.

A recent Morning Consult/Politico poll found that 35 percent of respondents approve of the AHCA. A Public Policy Polling survey showed an even higher level of non-support, with 24 percent of Americans approving of the bill.

(Some will say 24 percent is a low approval number, but it's quite high when you compare it to 0 percent. Context matters, folks.)

An analysis published in The New York Times found the AHCA is most popular in Oklahoma with an unwhopping 38 percent support. The analysis was done by Christopher Warshaw, an associate professor of political science at MIT, and David Broockman, an assistant professor of political economy at the Stanford Graduate School of Business, and they described the AHCA as "the most unpopular piece of major legislation Congress has considered in decades."

Typical elitist eggheads. Let's hear from a not-at-all elite billionaire, President Donald Trump. He tweeted: "I am very supportive of the Senate #HealthcareBill. Look forward to making it really special!"

Who are you going to believe? Experts? Or a man who has lied with such frequency since becoming president that dozens of media fact-checkers have died from exhaustion? (Fact-checking exhaustion is also not covered under the GOP health care plan.)

It's a trick question, suckers. Of course you believe the president. He has lied so many times that the odds are clearly in favor of this being the one time he tells the truth.

Besides, the people opposing this bold vision for unattainable health care are mainly thin-skinned liberals and a handful of 10 million to 20 million death-dodgers who claim they "need health insurance." I don't technically care about those people, but if it will calm their nerves a bit, I'll reveal a heretofore unpublished segment of the Senate health care bill that our heroic Republican lawmakers will be considering this week.

I think you'll find it lays out exactly how this law helps those who can't afford insurance deal with even the most rudimentary health problem.

"Sec. 209. Make America Great Again Health Solutions.

"Every American who cannot afford health insurance will be issued a red baseball hat with the words 'Make America Great Again' (MAGA) printed on it in white letters. The following advice for treating common medical conditions will be included with the hat.

"Fever: Place MAGA hat in freezer for a period of no fewer than 15 minutes. Retrieve hat and put it on your head. Pray.

"Chills: Place MAGA hat on your head for additional warmth. Pray.

"Vomiting: Vomit into MAGA hat. Pray. (Be sure to wash MAGA hat later, unless you have vomited to death.)

"Severe laceration of the arm or leg: Use adjustable headband on MAGA hat as a tourniquet. Pray.

"Black lung disease: Breathe through MAGA hat while in coal mine. Pray really hard.

"Malnutrition: Shake upside down MAGA hat while standing on street corner and wait for coins to trickle down from those who got tax cuts. Pray.

"Terminal illness: Ask loved one to use MAGA hat to smother you. Pray for said loved one."

You see? There are plenty of protections in there to take care of everyone.

So make sure you call your senator this week to say you're behind the Obamacare replacement bill 100 percent. Because there's no need to take an existing health care law and make it work better when you can create a whole new law and make everything worse.

To say otherwise would make no sense. (Making sense is not covered under the new Republican health care plan.)

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