OPINION: Trump finally recognizes ‘noise cancer.’ Will GOP health plan cover it?

April 03-- Apr. 3--I would like to thank President Donald Trump for having the courage to address one of the more pressing health issues of our time: noise cancer.

Speaking at a Republican fundraising dinner Tuesday night, Trump brought up the issue of wind power and said: "If you have a windmill anywhere near your house, congratulations, your house just went down 75 percent in value. And they say the noise causes cancer."

The noise cancer part is true, as long as you don't Google it or look it up in a medical book or ask a doctor. Windmills are known killing machines -- stealthily reaching skyward with their giant arm-blades to swipe at commercial airlines -- and the noise they generate absolutely causes cancer, they say.

But it's not just windmills. There is a wide array of carcinogenic sounds in the modern world, and "woke" people like myself and other members of the Noise Cancer Awareness Consortium of North America are cheering -- very, very quietly, of course -- the president's decision to share our fears with the world.

While the sound of a windmill turbine is one cause of noise cancer, other potentially deadly sounds include: squeaky grocery cart wheels; any song, at any volume, by Ed Sheeran; calls for the incarceration of former politicians chanted in unison at large political rallies; and the lip smacking that one guy at the office does when he's eating.

For years, we noise-cancer activists have whispered and muttered in the hope that our cause would be acknowledged by the mainstream medical community. To no avail.

Obamacare, which some say is an abomination and provides the worst health care coverage in American history, totally ignores the deadly impact of aural toxins.

But something tells me this is all about to change.

Since his presidential campaign, Trump has been promising that the dreaded Obamacare would be repealed and replaced by the best health care anyone has ever seen.

In February 2017, Trump wrote on Twitter that "the repeal and replacement of ObamaCare is moving fast!"

In March 2017, he tweeted: "We are making great progress with healthcare. ObamaCare is imploding and will only get worse. Republicans coming together to get job done!"

In May of that same year, Trump tweeted: "Insurance companies are fleeing ObamaCare -- it is dead. Our healthcare plan will lower premiums & deductibles -- and be great healthcare!"

A year later, Americans continued to toil under the yoke of Obamacare, which despite being "dead" was still providing millions of Americans with health insurance.

Then last December, Trump tweeted: "As I predicted all along, Obamacare has been struck down as an UNCONSTITUTIONAL disaster! Now Congress must pass a STRONG law that provides GREAT healthcare and protects pre-existing conditions."

At the end of March, Trump tweeted: "The Republican Party will become the Party of Great HealthCare! ObamaCare is a disaster, far too expensive and deductibility ridiculously high -- virtually unusable! Moving forward in Courts and Legislatively!"

And on April 1 he wrote: "The cost of ObamaCare is far too high for our great citizens. The deductibles, in many cases way over $7000, make it almost worthless or unusable. Good things are going to happen!"

Followed Wednesday morning by this tweet: "I was never planning a vote prior to the 2020 Election on the wonderful HealthCare package that some very talented people are now developing for me & the Republican Party. It will be on full display during the Election as a much better & less expensive alternative to ObamaCare."

Don't you see what's happening? Trump and the Republicans have had a near-perfect and incredibly affordable and wonderful health care plan ready to go for years, but they've been waiting, biding their time, so they could make sure the new plan includes the very best noise-cancer prevention and noise-cancer treatment coverage!

By carefully and responsibly introducing the broader public to the idea of windmill-induced noise cancer, Trump is preparing Americans to embrace the importance of what I assume will be a crucial "noise-cancer coverage clause" in the TrumpCare law. We won't know exactly what the TrumpCare law says until after Trump is re-elected in 2020, which makes sense. It's worth it for Americans to live with the "virtually unusable" and "worthless" and "dead" and "UNCONSTITUTIONAL" Obamacare for another couple of years, because if Trump unveils the GOP's noise-cancer-covering health care law now, liberals will just try to steal it.

It's heartening to know that people exposed to noise-cancer-causing sounds now have an advocate in the White House, one who truly understands this terrible disease and has spent years promising Americans better health care.

I, for one, am sure that promise will be kept. If not, all those tweets and comments from the president would be nothing but noise.

And we all know how deadly that can be.

rhuppke@chicagotribune.com

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