Cerabino: Buying Greenland a real deal for Florida’s retirees

Palm Beach Post (FL)

President Donald Trump has been talking about buying the island of Greenland, the autonomous Danish territory that straddles the Atlantic and Arctic oceans.

"If he is truly contemplating this, then this is final proof that he has gone mad," said Soren Espersen, the foreign affairs spokesman for the Danish People's Party.

"The thought of Denmark selling 50,000 citizens to the United States is completely ridiculous," he said.

Slow down, Soren. Maybe this is just an opening offer, a way to jump-start a negotiation which may lead, not to an outright sale, but to a mutually beneficial arrangement with Florida.

Yes, Florida. Let's face it, Florida and Greenland are about as interconnected as you can get.

The acceleration of climate change is especially acute in Greenland. This summer's heat wave in Europe spiked Greenland's surface temperatures by 22 degrees, causing record melts of its ice sheets.

In one day last month, Greenland lost 11 billion tons of ice, according to the Danish Meteorological Institute.

That's on top of annual melting of Greenland's ice sheet that has routinely been at four times the level it was in 2003, according to a study in the Proceedings of the National Academy of the Sciences.

And all that melted ice flowing into the North Atlantic will eventually be the water that submerges the coastline of South Florida.

So we're in this together, Greenland. And we can help each other out.

You're sending us your water, and in return, we're going to send you our retirees. I'll explain.

Florida has been the exit plan for the rest of America for too long. This can't be sustained forever.

There are simply too many people coming to Florida to live -- about 70,000 a year, just from New York alone -- and many of them are here to retire.

An estimated 4.5 million more people are expected to move here by the end of the next decade.

We're eventually going to need some relief, especially when all your melting ice starts shrinking our peninsula's living area.

I have always considered America's space program as an elaborate plan to relocate Florida's glut of retirees to lunar condos.

But Greenland makes more sense.

Once Greenland's national airline, Air Greenland, starts running daily flights between Nuuk and Palm Beach International, we'll be able to begin the desired population shift.

Your residents will start to enjoy coming to Florida for winter vacations, especially once our restaurants put narwhal blubber on the menu.

And we'll begin constructing large retirement communities on the outskirts of Sisimiut, Ilulissat, and Aasiaat -- which will be called Sisimiut Palms, The Tropical Estates of Ilulissat Shores, and Aasiaat Village by the Sea.

Who knows? We might even build a high-speed train (The Frostline?) between Paamiut and Qasigiannguit with a stop at Kangaamiut -- pending the addition of a Mayo Clinic there.

You'll probably like all the action. You've been lonely for so long. Suddenly, you'll be surrounded by people who are really good at talking.

As for us, leaving Florida for Greenland may seem like a hard sell at first. But once the drinking water in Florida's aquifer experiences salt-water intrusion, summer temperatures routinely top 100 degrees, the beaches are always closed due to fecal contamination, the growing population of unchecked 16-foot Burmese pythons spread into residential areas, and nearly all hurricanes are Category 5s, a condo in the newly temperate, environmentally unspoiled island of Greenland will start sounding better.

And within a few years, there will be a Walgreens in Qaqortoq, bingo in Upernavik and a condo lawsuit in Kullorsuaq over an emotional-support harp seal.

Trump hasn't "gone mad." He's just thinking ahead -- and possibly angling for a free golf course for himself.

So, please, Mr. Espersen, don't think of this as the selling of Greenland's citizens to the United States. Think of it as a humane way to avoid launching Florida's future retirees to the moon.

fcerabino@pbpost.com

@FranklyFlorida

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