York Daily Record, Pa., Mike Argento column

March 31--Somewhere, there is a punch line in search of a joke that begins, "A priest, a rabbi and Hobby Lobby walk into a bar."

It has to be out there somewhere, since it has become apparent that Hobby Lobby believes that it has become a sentient being that should enjoy all of the rights that any human is granted in this country. If that's the case, it has earned the right to walk into a bar with a priest and a rabbi and be subject to the same kind of punch line afforded, say, a Buddhist.

If you look at it a certain way, that is the issue now before the nation's ultimate arbiters of justice, the Supremes. Is Hobby Lobby -- and its co-respondent, Conestoga Wood in Lancaster County -- a human being, granted inalienable rights, as some old guy once wrote? The case has to do with Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood objecting to the provision in the Affordable Care Act that requires health insurance companies to cover some forms of contraception. Both companies, owned by religious conservatives, have said they believe that having their health insurance companies cover contraception is a violation of their religious rights.

And if you're not a legal scholar or constitutional nitpicker, it appears ridiculous on its face. The companies aren't being forced to hand out IUDs to the women who work for them. They are merely being required to offer insurance to employees that covers some basic health care.

Yet, the arguments were framed as an issue of religious liberty, that the companies do not have to comply with the law because they believe something contrary to the law.

As is it with most things that wind up before the Supremes, it's complicated and has something to do with peyote.

Yes, peyote.

The law at the center of the case is something called the Religious Freedom Restoration Act, passed in response to a Supreme Court case that involved peyote. In that case, two drug counselors who were fired for using the hallucinogen in Native American rituals sued, claiming their religious freedom was infringed by their employer's objection to them spending their free time tripping out and connecting with the creator of the universe -- raising the question: Pink Floyd is the creator of the universe?

No, that wasn't it. They said the use of the drug was a religious rite, akin to a Catholic taking communion, albeit more likely to result in hearing colors and seeing your grandmother turn into a huge fire-breathing reptile surrounded by a flock of bats that swoop down on you and start eating your eyeballs while rivers of blood...

Where was I?

In 1990, the Supreme Court ruled against the peyote eaters, saying the drug was illegal and that the law of the land overrules any religious liberty to, as the kids say, "trip balls." There were objections to that ruling, that it violated the First Amendment's guarantee of religious freedom, and Congress stepped in and voted themselves a raise. No, actually, Congress passed the Religious Freedom Restoration Act that requires the federal government to show a compelling government interest when it makes rules that could place a burden on a person's religious rights.

The law, of course, applied only to people.

But now, as it is considered that corporations are people too, Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood -- the corporate entities -- want to have the same right to religious freedom as peyote eaters.

Which is absurd. (Hobby Lobby on peyote would be frightening. Sequins everywhere.)

The people who own the corporations have every right to believe whatever they want to believe, even if they're wrong, which, in this case, they may well be. They erroneously equate the use of certain contraceptives with abortion, as if human life begins with the first glass of wine at dinner.

But that freedom should not allow them to force those beliefs on their employees, who come to work to make a living, not as an expression of their religious beliefs. The corporate entity called Hobby Lobby exists to make tons of money by selling sequins and hot-glue guns. It does not have religious beliefs. It is not a human being. It is not sentient.

Still, the court is considering it because, well, who knows why?

It could create a dangerous precedent and have all variety of unintended consequences.

There is little doubt that the owners of Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood are sincere. In fact, they appear to be very serious about applying tenets of their faith to how they conduct business. They both reportedly treat their employees well, pay decent wages and believe that they should offer their workers health care coverage. If they were simply trying to save money or treat employees unfairly, they could find a way that didn't run contrary to federal law. God knows employers do that every day.

But what is to stop other, less ethical corporate weasels from coming to Jesus, or whatever savior they desire, from claiming that paying a decent wage violates their religious principles? Could they claim their religious beliefs exempt them from discrimination laws? Could they claim any sort of religious belief that would be expedient to making huge piles of cash?

Some Christian sects don't believe in treating illness with medication. Would corporations have sudden conversions to get out of paying for health care altogether?

There are a couple of solutions to this for Hobby Lobby and Conestoga Wood. They could convert into nonprofit entities and claim exemption from the contraceptive requirement. But then, they would pretty much have to go out of business because, for one, it seems kind of pointless to run a business that doesn't make any money -- and for another, it would require the corporations to be primarily in the business of religion, and not arts and crafts supplies or kitchen cabinets.

Or they could just drop their health insurance and pay the tax required of businesses that opt out.

Or the owners of the businesses could decide that the Christian thing to do would to be tolerant of their employees who hold different beliefs and not try to foist their beliefs on them.

But that's as likely to happen as Hobby Lobby walking into a bar with a priest and a rabbi.

Mike Argento's column appears Mondays and Fridays in Living and Sundays in Viewpoints. Reach him at [email protected] or 771-2046. Read more Argento columns at www.ydr.com/mike. Or follow him on Twitter at @FnMikeArgento.

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