The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review Eric Heyl column

Aug. 22--Someone slam the brakes on this plan.

In a national first, Uber is poised to put a fleet of self-driving cars on Pittsburgh streets. But there's no way people should be permitted to hail rides from semi-autonomous cars until Uber significantly tweaks its vehicular software.

Artificial Intelligence apparently passed its driver's exam, the cars will have emergency backup drivers, and Uber presumably has programmed the vehicles to navigate the streets as safely as possible. Therein lies the problem. Most people seldom drive as safely as possible, particularly in this town.

To put it in terms this sports-obsessed city can best understand, when it comes to driving, Pittsburgh is the automotive equivalent of the Cleveland Browns. But instead of failing to properly pass, run and kick, drivers here fail to properly merge, yield and stop.

Allstate, the nation's largest publicly held insurer, annually publishes a report listing the 200 safest cities in America for driving. In the 2016 study released in June, Pittsburgh finished 178th.

As bad as the Browns have been for a generation, they never finished in 178th place. Even more distressing is the fact that our putrid performance on the roads represents a slight improvement over last year, when we came in a miserable 185th.

During the past decade, our rankings have been something you immediately want to put in the rear-view mirror. We've finished no higher than 124th and as low as 187th,

The rankings are modestly better when adjusted for weather and topography, but most cities have weather and topography. The ugly fact is this: The city is full of thoroughly rotten drivers.

Hence the hazard. Pittsburgh motorists are going to find safely-traveling Uber cars a dangerous anomaly. They might not be able to adjust to vehicles obeying the rules of the road quickly enough to avoid colliding with them.

That's why before putting driverless cars on local streets, Uber should, for lack of a better word, yinzify them to conform to accepted local driving standards. Accidents can be avoided if Uber vehicles are programmed to mimic Pittsburgh drivers and do the following:

--At stop signs, lightly brake for a half-second, then accelerate through the intersection.

--At yield signs, accelerate rapidly regardless of whether traffic is approaching.

--Use turn signals only for prolonged periods in passing lanes. Never use them to indicate an impending turn.

--In tunnels, slow to 20 mph to cause significant traffic backups.

--Attempt to switch lanes a half-mile before the merge point.

--When making a left turn, the second a red light turns green, don't yield to oncoming traffic; accelerate rapidly.

You'll know you're safe on the road when you see one of Uber's driverless cars successfully execute a "Pittsburgh left."

You'll know then the fleet has been yinzified.

Eric Heyl is a Tribune-Review staff writer. Reach him at 412-320-7857 or [email protected].

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