Column: What to do about Thanksgiving?

What to do about Thanksgiving?

Right about now, if this were an ordinary year, millions of Americans would be making travel plans or prepping for dinner guests while anticipating the fun and friction that comes with gathering one Thursday every November in the name of being grateful.

But in crazy 2020, when a pandemic has destroyed our rituals and script for the future, instead of planning, we worry about how to plan.

One of my brothers invited me to join his family in Colorado this year, which I’ve done for the past few Thanksgivings. I miss those folks deeply, and it’s hard to resist the prospect of watching the sun shine on the Rockies in the crisp autumn air.

For the past few weeks, as the thought of going pecked at my brain, a little inner voice has cooed: Come on. It would be OK to fly. Southwest is still keeping middle seats open, and you’ve got COVID-19 gear. Or how about a road trip? That would be fun!

Everyone I know is facing some version of the quandary: What’s Thanksgiving without the people you love? But what’s the point of gathering when it can lead to sickness, even death?

On Tuesday I asked people on Facebook if they were struggling with what to do about Thanksgiving, and answers flooded in, full of ambivalence or sad resolve. Here are a few:

We just bought a new house with a big dining room specifically to host family events like Thanksgiving dinners. But my 84-year-old Mom caught COVID back in April and while she survived, she and my dad had to downsize from their 2-bedroom independent living apartment to a 1-bedroom assisted living unit. Their building is still locked down and it’s just too dangerous to potentially expose them. So I guess it will just be the two of us in that big, new dining room.

I’m still undecided about what I want to do. My husband wants to fly. I said “Hell no” to that.

My daughter and son-in-law live in NYC. My daughter asked us, “Do you want us to come?” and the thought of them NOT being here was unthinkable. So they’re coming, as well as our two daughters who live in Chicago. But no one else, including my 94-year-old mother. And since she is always here, that’s very hard.

My mom typically hosts, with 20+ people. We called Thanksgiving and Christmas off months ago. It was not an argument, as the “matriarchs” made the call and, well, we listen. My mom and stepdad live a block away. We may walk over and wave through windows. We also are teaching them to Zoom.

Several people used the words “heartbreaking.” One was a woman who told the story of how as a girl she and her mother always made a cranberry relish mold the night before Thanksgiving. On the holidays since her mother has been in a nursing home with dementia, she has made the dish and taken it there. They’ve eaten it together, and she’s watched how the taste seems to stir her mother’s memory. This year, she’ll have to drop it off.

A few people looked on the bright side of this pandemic Thanksgiving.

I’m not putting too much pressure on that One day. Honestly, its ONE day and we can all eat and drink and tell each other what we are thankful for all days. Oh, and no need for a big turkey, which I really never liked anyway!

I understand the tug to carry on with Thanksgiving tradition, in at least a modified form, and each of us will make the decision on our own. But we need to keep in mind that our individual decisions have collective consequences.

Canadians celebrated their Thanksgiving on the second Monday in October. Afterward, COVID-19 cases spiked. Experts blamed holiday gatherings. Meanwhile in the U.S., the virus is again surging and Thanksgiving risks making it worse.

Living through the pandemic is a constant exercise in improvisation and adaptation, of sacrificing in the name of long-term investment. One of the most persuasive cases I’ve read for just saying no to Thanksgiving get-togethers comes from Andy Slavitt, who ran health care services in the Obama administration. He’s an advocate of Zoomsgiving this year, meaning virtual gatherings instead of the traditional, in-person kind. Making the case on his popular Twitter account, he recently wrote:

We could have stayed away Memorial Day and had a good Independence Day. We didn’t. We could have been careful on the 4th & had a good Labor Day. We didn’t. We could have been careful Labor Day. Nope.

Here’s the thing. Stop breathing on each other. For a while at least. Til case counts come down. Yes, we all know not everybody (dies) from this. But A LOT OF PEOPLE DO DIE.

As for me, I’ve liked knowing that I was welcome at my brother’s Thanksgiving. Flirting with the idea was a way to hope and remember. But in the end, I realize the right choice is to stay home and Zoom it. When next Thanksgiving rolls around, the Rockies will still be there, and so, I hope, will the people I love.

We give up something now so that we’ll have more to give thanks for next year.

mschmich@chicagotribune.com

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