Anchors in times of uncertainty: Those who know hardship share calming tips

Nov. 13--A relentless pandemic.

A bruising election campaign and lingering political bitterness.

Ongoing racial, economic and social divides.

How do we navigate through the holidays and into the new year with all this uncertainty?

With faith.

"Hope is a state of mind that needs to be nurtured and valued," said Dr. Sudha Bakshi, a Rochester psychiatrist. "In these days that seem endless because of isolation and routine, it is important to try to define our days, weeks and months."

Now is a time to connect with a primary health care provider, make small improvements in diet and exercise routines, and stay as grateful as we can. It also is a time to balance individual wants with a growing pandemic threat that hiked hospitalizations and positive test rates in the region, and far beyond, during the last two weeks.

"Every family has been forced to face difficult decisions regarding contact with close family members," said Bakshi, also medical director for behavioral health with Univera Healthcare. "There are so many situations where distancing is interpreted very differently, even within the same family.

"It is important to recognize that this is a time when we need to try to understand rather than judge or assume that your actions are being judged. Prepare ahead for the times when you will be disappointed, or that you will disappoint loved ones, and think of ways to mitigate the sadness that can come from disappointment."

These times shall pass, Bakshi said.

Meanwhile, four people familiar with hard times shared ways forward in the weeks and months ahead.

Darcy Thiel, mental health counselor

"There are a few introverts out there who have felt peace and relief at some of the changes to our daily lives," said Thiel, of West Seneca. "We extroverts feel like we might go insane. Trust me, I know the things we can do to try and stay connected are sad substitutes for a hug in-person. But we have to do what we can because something is better than nothing."

Thiel lost her husband to cancer nine years ago and her father two years ago after he spent a tumultuous year in a nursing home. The pandemic became the most recent challenge.

"My biggest strength in tough times has always been my amazing support system," she said.

The pandemic has changed some dynamics that come with other unwelcome experiences, said Thiel, also an end-of-life doula. "When your husband dies at the age of 48 and leaves an 8-year-old son behind, there isn't anyone else going through what you're going through. In a pandemic, there is literally not one person in the entire world who isn't going through what you are going through."

Strengthening bonds can help -- but also demands effort.

"It means drawing boundaries around conversations that are divisive, even if that means Covid itself," Thiel said. "I had a socially distant gathering this summer outside. On the invitation, I directly said that political and controversial conversation were to be checked at the gate. Everyone knew I meant it."

Her spiritual life teaches her that someone much greater than disease, sickness and materialism can provide a haven of internal peace.

She also looks to avoid harmful distractions.

"Quite honestly, the single most helpful piece of advice I've given to clients, as well as family and friends, is to shut down media," she said. "Social media, news, all of it. Anxiety dramatically drops when the constant flow of fearful and confusing information is eliminated. Trust me. Everyone is talking about it so you will hear what you need to be updated."

It's also important to accept things we cannot change, change things we can and understand the difference. That includes balancing family desires and coronavirus prevention during what for many could become the low point of the pandemic.

"Even though it's not the same, try Zooming together on holidays," Thiel said. "You will be able to include out-of-state relatives that you otherwise wouldn't 'see.' On Thanksgiving, you could each say something you are grateful for. On Christmas, you can each describe an intangible gift you have experienced recently. Even if all family members won't participate -- which they probably won't -- engage with those who will."

The Rev. John Mack, veteran priest and teacher

Pray. Meditate. Reflect. Listen.

These are among strategies used by Mack, who lost his teaching job earlier this year at the now closed Christ the King Seminary in East Aurora and is recuperating in Rochester from a liver transplant he received June 30 at Strong Memorial Hospital.

"During extended periods of quarantine and disrupted patterns of familiar daily activities, a step aside and a step back allows a person to take stock of what we do have," he said. "Rarely do we have the luxury of time to engage in such self-reflection."

Those willing to be mindful and appreciative will reap the blessings of the holidays, Mack predicted.

"In a continuing protective isolation since mid-March, especially post-liver transplant, I have been able to pay attention to that which eludes the senses because of a usually noisy, hectic pace of teaching and preaching," he said. "Cards and letters have been a welcome connection and reminder during my illness and recovery."

He recommends spending time on a pandemic journal that allows you to recount ordinary aspects of each day, helps build perspective over time and, hopefully, affirms gradual changes. "Be attentive," Mack said. "Make a spiritual inventory by noting gifts, talent and accomplishments, in detail."

Communication with others continues to be important, he said. The approach of winter may have ended weekly Tuesday evening driveway conversations in his neighborhood, but similar contact continues regularly with friends and acquaintances far and wide by phone, FaceTime, cards, letters and email.

Karl Shallowhorn, mental health and addictions recovery counselor

Meditation and deep breathing reduce anxiety and stress. "They stimulate the parasympathetic nervous system, which helps control mood, immune response, digestion, and heart rate," said Shallowhorn, a leading voice in the mental health community who is open about his bipolar disorder. Insight Timer, Calm and Headspace are among apps that provide guided meditations. Start with five minutes a day and build from there.

Winter is coming but exercise should continue. Turn to YouTube for fitness videos or bundle up and walk outdoors with a friend. Yoga boosts self-care; many studios in the region offer online or physically distanced classes.

"Take life one day at a time," stressed Shallowhorn, president and founder of Shallowhorn Consulting. "When you focus on today, it helps you to prevent being overwhelmed by what the future may hold."

It's also OK to indulge in a treat or miss a workout, he said. "If you have done so, just take the opportunity to get back on track the next day. None of us are perfect, so don't set yourself up for disappointment."

If you find yourself struggling, reach out to a friend, family member or clergy leader. "If you are having feelings of anxiety or depression for more than two weeks and they are not improving, consider seeking professional help," he said. Resources include Mental Health Advocates of WNY at mhawny.org or 886-1242, or the National Alliance on Mental Illness at namibuffalony.org or 226-6264.

Brian Costello, mental health and addictions recovery counselor

Now is the time for those who are strong to help those who are more vulnerable, said Costello, a counselor in Buffalo who this week started a new mental health support group for men (for details visit corementalhealthcounseling.org).

"One of the best ways people can get outside of themselves is to be of service to others," he said. "It's not our responsibility to make everyone around us OK, but help out when you can and with what is within your power. If you're frustrated with the lack of services for certain groups in your community, donate your time or money. When I felt discouraged in the past, I started a meditation group, environmental cleanup group, a tree-planting group.

Uncertain times create fear, Costello said.

"That's normal. People like to have a sense of control. Check in with yourself and ask if this lack of control or feeling of powerlessness reminds you of another time in your life. If the answer is yes, maybe it's time to talk to someone. ... You would be surprised how good it feels to know others feel the same way."

It's also normal to want more solitude and rest as winter nears, he said.

"Try not to make that a pathology. Use this time to reflect, journal, meditate, try a Zoom yoga class, read a self-help or spiritual book. Being alone doesn't always have to feel lonely. Try something that makes you feel connected to something greater. I believe spirituality and the sacredness of life is missing in a lot of people's lives today."

email: [email protected]

Twitter: @BNrefresh, @ScottBScanlon

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