How starting a conversation with a stranger is like dating

Has conversation become a lost art? In the movie, The Intern, Robert DeNiro is in a coffee shop. He sees someone texting another person sitting at a nearby table. He drags them over and puts them together at the same table!

Social prospecting involves being in the right place, making new social connections, getting to know people over time and introducing business when appropriate. It starts with that initial conversation. How do you do it?

What is involved in developing a new relationship? In that first encounter, you are laying the groundwork, then making the case for staying in touch. Like dating, this involves three segments: Meeting them, identifying shared interests and using those interests to make the case for keeping in touch afterwards.

How do you start a conversation with a stranger?  There are at least three ways you can approach this challenge.

 

1. The introduction. This is like an “on the spot” referral. You see the person you want to meet across the room. You look around, spotting another guest you already know. You ask them if they know the person you spotted. If they say yes, you ask if they would introduce you.

Here is what happens. They walk you over and say, “Phil, I would like to introduce Tom.  The two of you have a lot in common. You both live in [town]. You both like French food and soccer. You have a lot to talk about.” You are off to the races, as they say.

 

2. The friend in common. You looked around the room. You don’t know anyone who knows this other person. The person you hoped to make the introduction is not there. Perhaps you did some LinkedIn research and determined you shared several second level connections.

You walk up and say, “You don’t know me, but I believe we have a friend in common.”  You introduce yourself. They ask, “Who is this friend we both know?” You mention their name. They confirm they know them. They ask, “How do you know [name]?”  You explain, then ask “How do you know them?” Now the conversation has started.

 

3. The compliment. You struck out on the first two strategies. This person is a billionaire. But you and your friends don’t run in billionaire circles. I would walk up to them, explain “You don’t know me” and offer a compliment. You noticed the person has a great watch or is wearing a significant piece of jewelry. Maybe you are at a museum exhibition opening and these Impressionist paintings are from their personal collection. You admire the paintings and mention the crowds they are attracting. Who would be offended by a compliment?

What happens next? In almost every conversation, talk moves to the two icebreaker questions: “Where do you live?” and “What do you do?”  The first question is straightforward. You are speaking in general terms, mentioning a town or neighborhood. No need to give your house number.

“What do you do” is the more important question. You should have at least one answer ready. If this person is president of a tech startup and in their late 20’s, why would you say you specialize in long-term care insurance and end-of-life planning? If they are using a walker and carry an oxygen supply, you wouldn’t talk about speculative investing. As a financial professional, you are often many things to many people.

I like the concept of keywords. Certain words or expressions can be short yet paint an elaborate picture. For example, a financial advisor at a large firm might say: “I am an officer at [firm].  I work with a small group of successful business owners in the [town] area.”  That statement includes 19 words. What picture does it paint in the listener’s mind?

“I am an officer at [firm].”  If you have a title like vice president, that is an officer title. Our parents raised us to respect authority. We respect police officers and hold military officers in high regard.

“I work with a small group of successful business owners.” Small implies exclusivity. Successful is a word most people believe applies to themselves. Everyone thinks they are successful at something. Mentioning business owners implies you provide a wide range of services. Why?  Because business owners have many needs.

“In the [town] area.” This is another way of saying you live locally and support local businesses.  Many business owners and professionals you meet socially are boosters of their local community. You are saying the money you earn through your clients is recycled when you shop at the local supermarket, dry cleaner and hardware store. Those fees might be spent in a distant city if they do business online.

It is easy to start a conversation with a stranger!

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