How can people tell if you are sincere?

Did you ever hear the joke about the office manager who told his team sincerity is the most important quality for a salesperson?  “If you can fake sincerity, you’ve got it made!”

Years ago, while chatting with an advisor, they said, “You mean be interested in someone and share details about myself? I can fake that! I’ll make something up.” I was stunned. They said, “Why should I reveal personal details?” People can tell if you are not being sincere.

How can they tell? People develop BS antennas. A property developer remarked, “People don’t lie to you when meeting the first time. They don’t have a reason to yet.”

Here are some signals that cause people to doubt you.

1. Lack of eye contact. When you look away from a person or avoid eye contact, you appear shifty. Maintaining eye contact communicates sincerity. This is a balancing act. If you lock eyes and don’t blink or look away, it can come across as creepy. It’s not a staring contest. Try to maintain eye contact.
2. Are your accomplishments and claims believable? This is challenging. When talking with someone who is successful and well-traveled, you want to come across as someone who fits in. You can be tempted to embellish your experiences. Now those BS antennas people have as standard equipment come into the picture. They know when you are stretching the truth. You might be talking about travel to a certain Caribbean island. They mention a resort they discovered years ago. You mention you were there last year and thought it was great. They knew the resort closed during the pandemic lockdown and never reopened. They know something is not right.

Here are some signals that you are sincere.

1. You establish a relationship around shared interests. Now we are getting onto positive traits! When you meet someone socially, you are not going to immediately start selling. They will disengage quickly. They will think, “Why do I want to know this person?” If you are a wine fan and they are too, they found a kindred spirit. They might be frustrated that they have few people to talk with about wine. You might not be an expert, but if you know more than the basics and have a sincere desire to learn, they can sense it.

 

2. You care about their needs. This is where listening skills enter the picture. You know what casual conversation sounds like when you hear it. You have a nodding relationship with people you recognize. You met someone. In conversation, you learn their spouse is undergoing cancer treatments. You see them again. You ask how their spouse is doing. You stop and listen, letting them talk as long as they want. They believe you are sincere because you know what is important to them and take an interest in it.

Something else makes a huge difference in showing people you are sincere. It happens later. How are you at follow-up? You have identified a shared interest. You promised to call to set up a time to get together, but you never do. It gets worse. You are both wine fans. You suggested going wine shopping together on Saturday morning. You don’t show up at the agreed meeting place. It is difficult talking your way out of that one! They assume your follow-up in your business life is as sloppy as your follow-up in your personal life.

Turnoffs enter into the sincerity picture. If things offend you, they likely will offend others too. Here are some examples:

1. Moving too quickly. People can tell when they are getting hustled. People have personal space. Putting an arm around them sets off alarm bells. Making assumptions about their needs before they share them makes them feel you are pushing.
2. The hurried manner. Have you ever sensed someone else is thinking, “How do I get away?” Imagine talking with someone. They are not looking at you, but they are looking over your shoulder instead. If you could read their mind, the message would be, “I just saw someone more important. I need to go over and say hello.” It’s a turnoff.
3. It’s all about them. You might have met someone on a cruise or in a dating situation. The only topic they talk about is themselves and how great they are! The unspoken message is, “You are so lucky to have met me!”
4. Bad personal habits. You know them. If you have one, you have been meaning to break it. There are certain things you should not do when other people are watching.
5. Poor table manners. You should know how to behave in formal situations such as a sit-down dinner party. You would not start eating before everyone has been served or shovel food into your mouth. These traits signal you don’t belong there.

When cultivating social relationships, it is important to be likeable. Don’t give people reasons not to want to know you.

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