Raised by grandparents: ‘Grandfamilies’ face many challenges

Examiner-Enterprise (Bartlesville, OK)

May 01--Many grandparents raising grandchildren do so to give children a chance at a better life.

When divorce, separation, illness, death, incarceration, military service or a dozen other reasons leave a child without parental support, often the grandparents step in either temporarily or permanently. In the aged parenting role, they may face health problems, financial hardship, the generation gap, legal complications and more.

Bartlesville has a lot of grandparents in this situation, said Cheryl Streets, director of program development at the Bartlesville Boys &Girls Club. Raised by grandparents herself, she identifies with a lot of kids they serve.

"I was blessed to have both sets of grandparents, uncles, and an aunt very active in my upbringing," she said. "The adult me realizes that both sets of my grandparents were just regular, blue-collar people, making extraordinary sacrifices they didn't 'have' to make."

Bartleville residents Jan Clem and her husband Jim were planning retirement and the chance to buy an RV and travel when the opportunity arose to take on a grandchild. Without hesitation, they assumed the responsibility of caring and providing for the child. Clem immediately got her grandchild in kindergarten and also sought medical help for the physical and mental problems that were becoming apparent.

Unable to add her to their health insurance, Clem signed her granddaughter up for the SoonerCare health program. But medical issues weren't the only challenge. The "grandfamily" also faced mounting legal costs, unpleasant visitations, fear of violence from a former family member, as well as reduced income. Clem quit her job to be available to her grandchildren. Within a few years, the Clems also accepted the newborn sister of the first grandchild.

"If you don't keep on top of the legal terms, logistics, Medicare, etc., you're going to be lost," Clem advised. "Things change; laws change."

She also said to be prepared to fill out mountains of forms for the Department of Human Services, and many times when the caseworkers change, the paperwork starts all over again. Sometimes it is overwhelming, she said.

The older daughter has moved out now, but the younger daughter, now 14, is still with them.

"She is blessed with a beautiful singing voice and is very tenderhearted. She calls me 'twofer' because I am mom and grandmother."

The generation gap sometimes presented problems as far as entertainment. Clem wasn't interested in going to amusement parks, but fortunately they all enjoyed museums. Sometimes she felt like she was shortchanging the girls, but she would find she could redirect their interests.

"Teach them something we learned without pushing buttons," Clem said. "We do a lot of projects, like crafts. We go to Woolaroc. Take the time to read to them. You have to refocus. It's not just about you anymore. It's what you can do and include them."

Angela Tate, who has four grown children and five grandchildren, is raising her 5-year-old grandchild Zeriah.

"I understand why we do this when we're young. It's very challenging. Everything's changed. It's more technical and things happen faster. The school system is different. It's very tiring because I'm older. But it's rewarding."

She said the hardest thing for her to balance is differentiating the grandmother from the mom role.

"I find myself being a grandmother instead of a mother. I want to do the fun stuff but I still have to take on the mom role -- the disciplinarian, the nurse, homework. It's not all baking cookies."

She said with two kids in college, money is always a challenge, but they don't go without.

A problem she does recognize is the loss of freedom. Now that her other kids are out of the house, she has to find a babysitter if she and her husband want to go out on a Friday night, or make arrangements ahead if they want to travel.

"Not a problem I expected to have at this point," Tate said.

Tate draws a lot of support from a cousin who would keep Zeriah in the summer while Tate worked. She also has another friend who is raising a grandchild that she talks to often. And she has found support in a Salvation Army summer program and the YMCA.

Paula Brunelle, who is raising a granddaughter, Destiny, advises others to "do the best you can and take one day at a time, one situation at a time. Just go with the punches."

"Sit down and get to know your grandchild as an individual. Each one is different," Brunelle said. "Get them to talk to you."

She has several other grandchildren, too, and finds she just "wants to be grammy." She also acknowledges she can't help with math homework since times and methods have changed.

If problems arise, she recommends seeking help for the grandchild, especially counseling.

She also impresses upon others not to neglect a will, in case something should happen, they will always stay with the family.

At Janet Lackey's house, it's "the more the merrier" when it comes to children. As a longtime foster mother, kids coming and going is the norm. So when her 16-year-old daughter had a child, it was only natural that they stay at the Lackey household.

"As a CNA she'd work long hours or weekend hours so we just had to help. We've kept him a lot, and helped raise him," she said.

He knew she was grandma, but it was just like having another one of her own, according to Lackey. Just like her others, they would "fight and fuss." He stayed with her most of the time, though, so she was able to provide stability.

Her daughter has an apartment now and he lives with her.

"We've always been a big family and always took care of kids. Being a foster parent I get called in the middle of the night to pick up kids. You open up your home," Lackey said.

Lackey said counseling has been a good resource as well as the schools, which will help if there is a problem.

"Since he has been in counseling with Daybreak (Family Services), he's not as angry as he was," she said, "and he's done really well in school."

She said the counselors go where the kids are, such as school. She eats with them at school, and if the kids are having anger issues, she sees how they interact with other kids. In the summer she takes them to the park or out to eat, said Lackey.

Lackey said right now her age hasn't hindered her ability to care for children. She has four still at home, ages 17, 11, 9 and 8. Her grandson is 6 that lives with them off and on. Another daughter lives with her and has a 1-year-old son, and Lackey has two more grandchildren.

Her advice for other grandparents raising grandchildren is to get help if you need it. Don't be afraid to ask for help.

"If you're stressed, ask family to give you a break," Lackey said.

Clem summed it up for many grandparents raising grandchildren. "We chose to give two girls a better life and give up our golden years, and we decided that was what we wanted to do with the rest of our lives. Have we ever regretted it? 'No.'"

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