Bob Dyer: Fun stuff (guaranteed)

Today I bring you some stocking stuffers.

Dead on

"If the Cavs don't improve soon," writes Dick Gillman, a retired funeral director in Rittman, "are they going to change 'Rocket Mortgage' to 'Rocket Morgue'?

Kinda feels that way already.

Tough test

I realize the name Cuyahoga Falls isn't easy to spell if you're not from these parts, but the Beacon's new internet-based phone system, which provides "visual voicemail" in addition to traditional voicemail, consistently slaughters it. Two of my favorites: Tioga Falls and Cargo Falls.

Mystery location

The arrival of the 78th anniversary of Pearl Harbor earlier this month triggered a memory for Cargo Falls resident John Malene.

In December 1941, he was 11 years old and living in Oil City, Pennsylvania. He and a 15-year-old neighbor were walking out of a movie theater when they encountered a newspaper hawker yelling, "Extra! Extra! Japanese bomb Pearl Harbor!"

Malene looked at his friend and said, "Who the hell is she?"

Ugly plot

From jokester Dave Papp of Stow:

"I just received the lovely ABJ calendar for 2020 and noticed that someone or some group has moved Father's Day to Tuesday the 16th. As a father, I for years have enjoyed my Sundays.

"How much more will we allow them to take away from us? We have rights, too."

Smiles amid tears

An obituary that ran in the ABJ three days after the death of Kenmore resident Daniel Mickunas said he "passed away peacefully Sunday night after yet another Browns loss to the Steelers."

Pedestrian overkill

A reader who recently traveled (slowly) along South Main Street in Akron asked, "Do you know why we need double-wide sidewalks downtown -- other than to snarl vehicular traffic?"

Well, snarling vehicular traffic has become the primary goal of our city planners.

I did notice the new sidewalks. They're wide enough to land an airplane on.

In truth, I like the changes taking place downtown (if they're ever completed). As I've previously noted -- more than once -- I am vehemently opposed to the general concept of "traffic calming," the city's new fetish for taking four-lane streets and narrowing them to two to purposely slow traffic. A lack of traffic congestion is a good thing. It reduces travel time and road rage.

However, I think the powers-that-be are onto something with their reworking of the heart of downtown. The roundabout with a statue of a rubber worker will create a focal point, similar to Public Square in Cleveland. The overall project will pull together a downtown that has felt disjointed for decades.

More snails

Got a voicemail after writing about a reader who typed an email to me and then inexplicably sent it through the U.S. mail. The caller's experience is even funnier.

"My health insurance company mailed an email through FedEx next-day delivery to my house acknowledging the fact that I had called in and requested that no mail go to my house."

Just missed

Akron artist and writer Cari Miller shared a tongue-in-cheek tale about how her family missed out on a huuuuge settlement for a faulty product.

A few weeks ago, her son opened a can of Bumble Bee sardines and found a worm inside. Disgusted, he threw the can in the trash. But his father retrieved it, and visions of dollar signs began to dance in Cari's head. She took photos and emailed the company.

The next day she got a response saying she had to send in the worm for them to investigate..

"Bumble Bee sent me a letter with a little baggie for the worm, which I quickly sent to them (after checking with her that I really could send a worm through the mail). Then I waited in anticipation for the big paycheck I believed would set me up comfortably for the rest of my life.

"My hopes were temporarily dashed when Google told me that unless your worm caused you medical problems, a coupon for the replacement is about all you can expect.

"But I didn't let that get me down. I eagerly checked the mail every day for my response.

"Then, suddenly, Bumble Bee filed for bankruptcy. Just my luck."

The lesson: A worm in the can is worth two in the trash.

I don't even know what that means.

Bob Dyer can be reached at 330-996-3580 or [email protected]. He also is on Facebook at www.facebook.com/bob.dyer.31.

___

(c)2019 the Akron Beacon Journal (Akron, Ohio)

Visit the Akron Beacon Journal (Akron, Ohio) at www.ohio.com

Distributed by Tribune Content Agency, LLC.