Don’t Label My Kid

"He's a natural-born artist." "Oh, she's shy." Ever notice how quick others are to throw a tag on your tot-both positive and negative-and how often you do it, too? We look at this labeling trend to learn whether it's OK or ready for a KO.

There's no question that Holly Chessman is pleased her 6-year-old has a knack for numbers.

Still, she worries that teachers have labeled maggie "the math girl"-and nothing else. "it seems like her math skills are often all we talk about," says holly of parent-teacher meetings at her children's bedford, mA, schools. then there's "the Artist," which is what some of holly's well-meaning friends call her 12-year-old son, bryce. "because we have four kids, it's natural for people to compliment each of them by calling out a particularly noticeable trait," says holly, who's president and ceo of bozmyn, a start-up social media sharing site for families. "but i always want to say, 'Yes, my kids are good at those things, but that's not all they do.'"

Writer and mom blogger michelle horton bristles when family members-or even friendly strangers-tell her very verbal 5-year-old son, "You're so smart! You're exceptional!" she worries that noah takes these complimentary labels too seriously. "i don't want him to feel the pressure of always having to act smart, or to feel overly disappointed when he fails at something," says michelle, who lives in pleasant Valley, nY.

"Your son's such a science whiz." "she's our musical daughter." "there goes the star athlete!" All of us are so prone to slap these descriptive tags on children, but why? is there any harm in it-or is there a better way to help kids grow and thrive?

"She's such a little leader"

For the most part, adults are just dishing out compliments when they say these kinds of things about kids-including their own. it's human nature to compare and notice what makes each person stand out, explains eileen kennedymoore, phD, a princeton, nJ-based psychologist and author of Smart Parenting for Smart Kids. "the tricky thing, though, is that adults'-particularly parents'-words have weight. Labels can really influence how kids view themselves," she says. if they hear "You're good at math, and your sister is good at sports," then kids may feel they're not capable of later altering or expanding the "identities" that have been assigned to them.

And when a parent tells a child something like "You're the fastest one on the basketball court," it can be, well, a little self-serving if we're not careful. "some parents use labels to motivate kids, to encourage skills they want to see their child develop, even if it's not what the child really enjoys," says Fran walfish, psyD, a child and family psychotherapist in beverly hills, cA, and author of The Self-Aware Parent. "it's like saying, 'You, child, are my opportunity to shine, and here's how you'll do that.'"

In some ways, labels may be a by-product of the "let's praise kids heavily to boost their self-esteem" strategy that has crept into parenting and education in recent years. "in the 23 years i've been teaching, i've seen the trend of parents, and some teachers, reinforcing kids for absolutely everything: 'oh, you are holding your pencil so perfectly! You get a candy,'" says Linley piecz bryan, a special education teacher at mason elementary school in Duluth, gA. but she feels this approach usually backfires, adding, "constant praise doesn't give kids the intrinsic motivation to be successful without a reward."

Further, a well-known study by stanford university professors claudia mueller, phD, and carol Dweck, phD, found that praising kids for being smart is much less effective than praising them for putting good effort into academic exercises. why the difference? the kids in the study who were told they were smart felt their intelligence was "fixed" and couldn't be influenced by working harder. they also felt pressure to maintain their "smart" status and later rejected learning exercises if there was a risk of making a mistake or appearing less intelligent. the children praised for their hard work, on the other hand, willingly took on bigger challenges.

This all might sound like a nitpicky difference in wording-"You're smart" versus "You worked really hard." but it's actually pretty significant, says Dr. kennedy-moore. that's because kids are very concrete thinkers. if you compliment a child by saying, "You are a great leader!" she may believe she has a responsibility to lead in every situation. "the truth is that the child may want, and need, to be a follower sometimes," she explains. plus, the leader label may imply that the child was born with this skill and didn't make an effort to develop it-an implication that discounts her hard work. A better way to phrase this, says Dr. kennedymoore: "You are showing such strong leadership skills. nice work."

"He's just shy"

it's easy to label kids' personality quirks, too. maybe it's a way to justify to other adults why your child isn't making eye contact ("he's timid") or just trampled the neighbor's azaleas ("she's the hyperactive one in the family"). but if you think about it, these kinds of labels are constraining, too. For one thing, kids may internalize what you say and use it as an excuse to continue less-than-desirable behavior. For another, you may unconsciously treat your child differently because of the "box" you've put him in, suggests Dr. walfish. You might step in and talk on behalf of your "shy" child or keep him out of situations you think will be uncomfortable. "that can ultimately limit your child's ability to grow," she says. what to do instead?

Rethink specialization in kids. Just because your child enjoys golf right now doesn't mean he's the next tiger woods. "kids need to test the waters, try new interests and drop them later if they're not right," says mom of four holly. if you label your child "our little ballet dancer," she might feel she can't ever drop ballet to try swimming. better to say, "You seem to really be enjoying ballet right now. that's great!"

Call out the process. when giving a compliment, focus on the effort rather than the result: "You were really hustling out on that soccer field. it looked like you were having a lot of fun." on the flip side, instead of gently reassuring your child that she's simply "not a math kid," Dr. kennedymoore suggests saying, "You just need to try some different strategies to help math click for you. Let's talk to your teacher."

Don't bother correcting other adults. it may be your pet peeve to hear another parent say how shy your child is (you'd love to counter, "maybe she just doesn't want to talk to you") or that your son is kind of hyper ("well, boys will be boys"). however, it's not your job to teach adults manners, says Dr. walfish. instead, talk privately to your child. if the label was negative, let your child know that just like kids, some grown-ups don't realize their words can be incorrect, even painful. if the label was complimentary, be politely thankful and leave it at that.

Watch those angry words. it's oh-so-easy to spit out a label like "You're such a slob!" when you're annoyed at your kid's messy room. once you've calmed down, though, revisit the issue with her. Let her know you were just angry at the time and that it wasn't your intention to imply that she's always messy.

Reframe your kids' language, too. children can be pretty black-and-white when judging their peers. Your child might label a classmate who acts up in class a "bad kid." help your child soften his assessment by explaining that the classmate isn't all bad-he just made a mistake that day.

"What a nice kid you are"

There are a couple of instances in which it may be beneficial to use labels with your kids. one is when they have learning challenges or other issues and need special services (see "Labels that help"). the other is when your child does something that shows moral backbone. in one experiment, researchers Joan grusec, phD, and erica redler found that kids are more likely to repeat generous actions (such as sharing marbles) when they are labeled by being told "You're a nice and helpful person" rather than when they hear "gee, you shared quite a bit."

"Praising kids with a label for their moral and character traits-how they treat other people-is always a good thing," says Dr. walfish. "when you praise a child for those internal characteristics, they positively penetrate your child's sense of self."

It's naive to think we can shield our kids from ever being labeled. what we can do, though, is help them realize their potential by focusing not only on their traits and abilities but on their possibilities as well.

Labels That Help

You may not want to tag your child with a medical or behavioral diagnosis like autism or ADHD. but a specialized sort of "label" like this can help your child get additional school services and therapy that may be covered by your medical insurance, says special education teacher Linley Piecz bryan. To manage the label, should you...

Tell your child? it can help a child to know that his challenges in life and school are related to the way his brain is wired-and not because he's a bad kid. However, it's better to say "You have a condition called autism" instead of "You're autistic."

Tell others? That's a personal choice, says Piecz bryan. it can help other adults understand why, for instance, your child spins repeatedly on the playground swings or gets frustrated quickly with other classmates. "it's never an excuse for bad behavior, but it can be an explanation," she says.

If a Teacher Labels Your Child

"He's our geography genius." "she's the class clown." Labels are often just shorthand descriptions teachers use to paint parents a quick picture, says psychotherapist Dr. Fran Walfish. As such, they're probably not worth getting worked up about.

if it's a positive tag, be grateful. The teacher thinks highly of your kid, no matter how he or she phrased it. soak it in. At home, you can use words to help level the label: "i love seeing the energy and joy you put into learning the names of state capitals."

if it's negative, get details. Ask exactly what behaviors are creating problems. "Class clown" could mean different things-that your child is making jokes when the teacher talks or is pulling unwelcome pranks on classmates. Get the inside scoop, so you can work with your child on other ways to share her brand of comedy.