OPINION: Get some confidence, fast

Nov. 29--"Hello. You have reached GoAheadAndBuyIt.gov, your federally sponsored source for consumer and acquisition encouragement. To speak to an adviser, please press 1 followed by the pound sign, followed by 2, followed by the star sign, now."

"Well, OK, but I'm not sure this is going to work."

"Thank you for calling GoAheadAndBuyIt.gov. Your call is important to us. Please hold and you will be forwarded to the next available adviser."

"Thanks, but I'm not big on country western hold music. Really, I need to talk to somebody. I want to be a consumer and all that, and do my part, but I just don't feel ready."

"Your call may be monitored for training purposes."

"I just lack the confidence, I guess. I want to be a good consumer and spend most of my annual income on extravagant gifts and durable goods, but I'm afraid that if I buy anything now, I will come to regret it. I'm not sure I can take it. I don't know what to do. Here it is, Black Friday, the biggest shopping day of the year, and I'm sitting at home listening to a recorded voice on some government computer. Says here that in October the consumer confidence index hit a seven-month low, and how this is a horrible sign, and how 70 percent of our economy depends on people like me buying things. Good thing I can talk to somebody to make me feel better. Hello?"

"All our advisers are busy now, but your call it important to us. Please hold or press 2 followed by the star sign for a list of options."

"Thanks, but I'll stick with the game plan. You know, I'm just that glass-is-half-empty kind of guy. Not only is it half empty, but the water is evaporating and filled with toxic bacteria and I wouldn't recommend it. I find pessimism comforting. Being negative is my thing. I write a newspaper column, and a day without complaining is like a day without sunshine. It's the only thing I have to look forward to. Kind of tough for Christmas shopping, though. My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas and I told her a Hickory Farms gift certificate. She gave me a funny look."

"For a list of tax credits available for the purchase of solar panels, electric vehicles or large-screen video monitors, press 3 followed by pound followed by 8, now."

"Thanks. I'm feeling a little boost in the old confidence already. Whoa, dude. Did you see all those people break down that metal barrier at Walmart so they could get $10 off on a year-old iPad Mini? That's patriotic consumerism at its finest. Maybe they didn't read about last month's unemployment report. It's ugly, but I thought it would be. You know, I'm not even sure what I'm supposed to want. That's why I called, for advice from a consumer adviser. Guess I have to settle for talking to myself while I'm on hold."

"For options on insurance, log on to HealthCare.gov. Otherwise, please hold for our first available adviser."

"Hold? I figured that was the best I could hope for. If you were me you wouldn't be optimistic either, I can tell you. I read in the paper that good consumers are supposed to want a tablet, or a cell phone this year. I've got a tablet so I can read news with my morning coffee. It gives me a head start on my job complaining about the government. I've got a cell phone, but nobody calls me. Why do I need a smarter phone nobody calls? So I can play Angry Birds in the airport lounge?"

"For energy-efficient appliances or campaign finance, press 7. Otherwise, an adviser will be with you shortly."

"I'd like to thank you, hold message person. This is one of the best imaginary conversations I've ever had. That's not saying much, but I'm feeling like I might want to buy something soon. Progress."

"I'm sorry, you have waited too long to dial. Thank you for calling GoAheadAndBuyIt.gov."

Tracy Warner's column appears Thursdays and Fridays. He can be reached at [email protected] or 665-1163.

Reach Tracy Warner at 509-665-1163 or [email protected].

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