2013 in a nutshell: Predicting the new year [Beaver County Times, Pa.]

Dec. 28--A not-so-serious hunch of what might happen this year.

JANUARY

Nearly 50 million people tune in to Fox's "American Idol" season debut to witness the cat-fighting between Mariah Carey and Nicki Minaj. Seeing this, ABC officials start planning their own singing contest with judges Madonna, Lady Gaga and holograms of Tupac and Biggie Smalls.

At first they chuckled at the ridiculous rumors, though after giving it serious thought Reese Witherspoon and her Aliquippa-bred hubby decide -- hey, why not? -- and buy a house on River Road in Beaver. Having an Oscar-winning actress in town won't change Beaver a bit, Witherspoon tells a camera crew from TMZ, which opens a satellite office on Third Street.

FEBRUARY

Discovering that he cheated on her, Taylor Swift dumps her latest famous boyfriend, paving the way for her next breakup single, "I Wouldn't Go Out With You Again For a Million, Billion, Zillion Dollars." Coincidentally, that's how much money the song makes Swift, whose fans clearly don't mind if she keeps singing about the same thing over and over and over.

Western Pennsylvania beer sales sink to their lowest mark in 42 years. "No Steelers post-season; no Penguins regular season," explains one of the dozens of downtrodden beer distributors forced to close.

MARCH

Outraged by the success of the "Fifty Shades of Grey" trilogy, the religious community fights back and offers a substitute for Christian families. "50 Shades of Pray" is a one-book series that offers readers over 400 positions -- of prayer that is.

Frustrated and fame-less, the former cast of "Jersey Shore" makes a last-ditch attempt to thrill the public through a new medium: flash mobs. The gang travels around the country's shopping malls, amusement parks and banquet halls, surprising audiences with a fist-bumping rendition of "Call Me Maybe." The public response is impressive.

APRIL

Acquiring the naming rights for the new Station Square soccer stadium brings so much attention and new business to Highmark that the insurance giant decides to cut costs for consumers, a company spokesman announces at a press conference before blurting out, "April Fool's! ... all your rates are going up again!"

Bravo announces its intentions to create a "Real Housewives of Pittsburgh," however executive producer Andy Cohen cancels the project midway through taping due to the time-consuming and costly task of subtitling the entire season and defining words such as "yinz," "sofa" and "commode." Weeks later, the media catches wind of a feud between one of the Pittsburgh housewives and former Bravo star Danielle Staub ("The Real Housewives of New Jersey" seasons 1-2). A spin-off show between the two women becomes a classic reality hit.

MAY

Surprised by the excitement by fans following the announcement of a "Boy Meets World" spinoff, washed-up television executives try to cash in on the idea. ABC announces its reboot of the 1990s hit "Full House" and are shocked to hear that fans don't want to see the San Francisco TV family reunite. Actually only five people in America are happy about the news. And all five appeared on the original series and haven't worked since.

A report shows that in one month alone the Marcellus Shale industry has created 500 new jobs in western Pennsylvania. Granted 438 of those jobs are for lobbyists and p.r. people.

JUNE

Production is halted on the new Robert Pattinson movie because the heartthrob actor has gained 20 pounds from all those visits to Beaver and the home of his "Water for Elephants" co-star Reese Witherspoon. "It's those darned Hot Dog Shoppe milkshakes," Pattinson says. "And must every Beaver County restaurant put fries on their salads?"

After watching the entire second season of HBO's "Girls," singer Chris Brown realizes that all along he has really been a feminist at heart. He elects to take a gender sensitivity course at American University and goes on to write the book "How to Treat a Lady: An Analysis of Gender Repression Throughout the Hip-Hop Nation."

JULY

TLC tries to triple its ratings by combining two of the families featured on the channel. "Here Come the Washed-Up 'Reality' Stars" airs to record ratings and features aspiring pageant queen Honey Boo Boo and Kate Gosselin and her 8 children.

With their Pittsburgh concerts just two days apart, Taylor Swift and One Direction's Harry Styles are spotted canoodling on the Duquesne Incline, suggesting they have reconciled. Swift tries to sneak Styles into Rivers Casino, unaware that they don't allow 19-year-olds.

AUGUST

Writer and mathematician Nate Silver realizes that his ability to predict elections through arithmetic is innately boring and starts to predict future celebrity couples. Being that he has limited knowledge about Hollywood personalities and that there is literally no math involved in making the predictions, Silver pairs Donald Trump with Rosie O'Donnell, Tom Cruise with Brooke Shields, and Ashton Kutcher with Demi Moore. His reputation is irrevocably tarnished.

In an attempt to jump on the fad of movies re-released in 3-D, Dane Cook pushes to have his 2006 movie "Employee of the Month" featured in 3-D. Surprisingly, the re-release does incredibly well, grossing double the profits that the film originally made. Viewers, who were predominately male, insisted that the movie was funnier this time around and claimed that the success had nothing to do with seeing a skinny version of Jessica Simpson in 3-D.

SEPTEMBER

Flipping their normal script, the Pittsburgh Pirates are red-hot down the stretch, winning 17 of their final 18 games including a dramatic four-game sweep of the Milwaukee Brewers in front of the PNC Park faithful who bought up every ticket months earlier when learning there would be a Night Ranger-Molly Hatchet concert followed by a fireworks night. Still, the Bucs finish below .500, due to their early season struggles.

OCTOBER

Beaver police are called in to provide crowd control, as a mile-long line of kids forms along River Road</location> to visit Reese Witherspoon's house for trick-or-treat. "She's giving out Milky Ways ... the regular-sized ones, not those dinky, bite-sized ones," reports one 12-year-old. Police confirm that no local parent has given out full-sized Halloween candy bars since the mid-1970s.

NOVEMBER

Following last year's failed attempt of stealing the limelight by demanding President Obama's paperwork, Donald Trump tries to make himself relevant by planning a real-life Hunger Games. Trump even agrees to participate in the fight-to-the-death match, along with the whole Kardashian clan, Lindsay Lohan, Justin Bieber, Amanda Bynes, Channing Tatum and Miley Cyrus. Humanity would be the ultimate winner.

DECEMBER

Beaver County's new Veterans Memorial Bridge opens five months ahead of the targeted May 2014 completion date. An hour later, the first fender-bender on the bridge is caused by Mildred G. Thornblatter, 91, of East Rochester who was traveling 15 mph slower than the posted speed limit. "Just because it SAYS 35 miles per hour doesn't mean you have to GO 35 miles per hour," she tells police, echoing a common belief among local drivers.

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